So What’s Wrong with My Daughter Wearing a Bikini?

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Recently the media has been all over a well-known retailer who introduced a spring swimwear line featuring a girl’s padded bikini, with sizing options of 7 and up. Amid the uproar over the past several days, the retailer has back-pedaled, now saying it believes the bikini is best “suited” for girls 12 and up.

 I’m still not happy.

 Certainly, almost everyone can agree that a padded bikini for 7-year-old girls is ridiculous, unhealthy, and perverted, but what makes it okay for 12-year-olds?

Beliefs. Are boobs really that great? Well, in our culture, yeah, it appears so. Pornography, by God’s definition, is everywhere: movies, advertisements, websites, and television; all resting on an unrestrained fascination with that part of the female anatomy. From padded bras to plastic surgery, the belief exists that when it comes to women’s breasts, “the bigger the better.” But what about in my family? And what about in my own mind and heart? As a mom, I don’t want my nineteen-year-old daughter to think her worth and value rests on her figure. And I didn’t want that happening when she was 12, either. Is a padded top necessary for your 12-year-old? And for that matter, is a bikini necessary? When it comes to our Christian families, the answer is no to both.

 Behavior. If you don’t think a bikini changes the behavior and atmosphere of a group setting, then it’s been a while since you’ve been to youth group. One youth pastor I know, who manages a group of several hundred kids, told me, “Moms think their daughters look cute. But that’s not what the boys are thinking. In fact, if those same moms knew what the boys were thinking, they wouldn’t think it was cute at all.” Into our sexually-charged culture comes a girl who brings pornography to life with her two-piece.

• What was avoided becomes available.
• What was hidden becomes familiar.
• What was taboo (Is it okay with you for your daughter to run around in her bra and panties?) becomes acceptable.

Get Real! A Bible Study for
 7th grade - up

When girls who are fearfully and wonderfully made begin to believe that they are just anatomy, when they are provoked to enhance fresh tween skin with make-up and glitter and their barely budding bodies with built-in padding, I call it identity theft. And I think what we choose to put on our bodies (or what we decline to put on) results primarily from what we choose to put in our minds. Are you feeding your daughter with a steady diet of God’s Word? Are you yourself feasting daily at His table, so that what overflows from your heart pours directly into hers? Are you teaching her to feed herself? Or are you letting the culture do it for you? The culture will gladly take over your parenting gig. Fight it every step of the way—even if it starts with a bikini, it will most certainly not end there.

MORE:
How Do I Explain Modesty to My Young Child?

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Complaining and Comparing will Hinder Your Success

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"There are two things that will hinder any potential for success in life: complaining and comparison." ~James R. Moore

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These words were spoken by a former pastor of mine, the late Bro. Jimmy Moore. Bro. Jimmy said that in a sermon he preached at around the same time that my husband and I were making our decision to homeschool. The words pierced my heart, and I jotted them down immediately, then copied them onto a larger piece of paper when I got home. (In fact, I also remember writing that quote on handwriting paper, you know, the kind with solid lines and broken lines? I had my kids learn that quote too.) I kept that paper in the front of my homeschool notebook. Whenever I opened that notebook, Bro. Jimmy's quote was there to greet me.

As I stepped into homeschooling, I had to be reminded daily of the potential for disaster that was ever present in my words (complaining) and in my mind (comparing). And the truth is, this doesn't just apply to homeschooling. It applies in every area of my life. Whether it's my walk with God, homeschooling, parenting, writing, or just getting dressed in the morning, complaining and comparing will hinder my potential for success.

So how do I try to avoid some of this in my life?

A grateful heart. Pursuing a grateful heart is a biggie. When I'm tempted to complain, singing praise songs or just listing the things I'm thankful for is huge.

Re-focus. I also try to distract myself by focusing on the needs of others. I'm told of so many needs that I always have plenty to pray about. Redirecting my thoughts to petitioning the Lord on behalf of someone else gets the focus off me and puts it squarely where it should be: God and others.

Flee temptation. Here's an example: There are some blogs that I just cannot read. I admire the folks who write them, and I know that they are my sisters in Christ, but I just can't read them. It's like getting on an elevator with someone who has beautiful, long straight hair. It is seventh grade all over again. I know I'm going to compare rather than stand on who God says I am, so I just literally don't go there. :)

Pep talk. If you can talk yourself down, you can talk yourself back up again. Try the book of Ephesians if you want to know who you really are, and just sit down and read it over yourself. Truly, none of us who are in Christ have anything to complain about. He loves us each uniquely. Thank God, I have never heard Him say, Why can't you be more like her? He never compares us to each other, so why should we?

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This Valentine's Day, Show Your Kids Love In Action

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My Valentine and me!

It was our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple. Consumed with my last semester of college, I had not remembered to buy my husband a gift! I would be late for class if I tried to fix a special breakfast (not that I could cook at that time LOL), so I quickly penned a note which I left on the kitchen table. In twenty-three years of marriage, it is one of the best gifts I have ever given him. I promised to make every day a Valentine’s Day, so that he would know he was loved all year long. In keeping that promise, I have learned that while love the emotion can be a roller coaster ride, love the action will keep a relationship on track.

In truth, the picture of love that our children see expressed in our marriages is the one that will reign as the standard for all their lives. Every male-female relationship they see will measure up to that standard, go beyond it, or drop far behind. Likewise, the active love we give our children is stored in their hearts and minds, wrapped in their memories. Love can be expressed in words, thoughts, prayers, and affection, but mostly, real love is

Backing Off This Black Friday: An Interview with Author Karen Ehman

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Author Karen Ehman

 Karen Ehman is an organizing guru and the author of several super-helpful books for those who are organizationally-challenged (like me!). I talked to Karen recently about the challenges of staying organized at Christmas, particularly when it comes to dealing with all our kids' STUFF--and this time of year, all the incoming STUFF! But it doesn't have to be that way! Read on for a different approach (actually, an ancient approach) to gift-giving.

MS: Karen, how about some encouragement for moms on this Black Friday? As we enter into the holiday shopping season, I think it's a great time to caution moms against getting too caught up in the hoopla, and sometimes even a spirit of competition, when it comes to Christmas celebrations and glitzy gift-giving. How can we stay focused on Christ and keep the commercial and secular aspects of Christmas from stealing the spotlight?

KAREN: While my husband and I have made many mistakes and missteps in the rearing of our brood resulting in some "I wish we could go back and do that all over again" feelings, there is one decision we have never regretted. That is our decision as brand new parents to simplify the Christmas gift-giving and NOT spoil and splurge and give into our kids' every whim (and going into debt in the process).
Every year since our daughter Kenz was born (over 19 years ago), our kids have received these at Christmas:

• One thing to open on Christmas Eve --usually pj's, slippers, a stuffed animal to sleep with---something they can use right then as they try to fall asleep with all the excitement.
• In the morning, a stocking full of treasures and treats.
• And then, they open their three gifts from us.

MS: Did you say only three gifts?

KAREN: Yep...I said three. That is all baby Jesus received--remember gold, frankincense, and myrrh? When my kids were younger, the categories were:

• one toy to play with
• one book to read
• one item to wear

MS: How has this evolved as your kids have gotten older? The one toy to play with gets more expensive as they move into their teens!

KAREN: You're right! Over the years, we heard about others doing this idea, often with a twist. So we morphed this tradition into a gold gift, a frankincense present, and a myrrh package. Here is the concept:

GOLD-- this, like gold, is a highly desired item; precious; maybe even pricey (thus my annual shenanigans on Black Friday--trying to secure the best deal).
FRANKINCENSE--Because the real frankincense was burned during prayer and arose heavenward, the gift in this category is something that will draw them closer to God. Perhaps a new Bible, a book series, a CD or tickets to an event or concert.
MYRRH--Myrrh is a burial spice used to cover the whole body. So the myrrh gift does the same thing. It goes on the body. In past years this has been rain boots and a new coat for Kenz, a hunting jumpsuit and camo boots for Mitch, or Spence's favorite Detroit Tigers player jersey.

By following this tradition, we have opted out of the "keeping up with the Joneses" contest that often takes place each year. Our kids don’t beg for tons of items since they know there is a number limit on how many we will buy.

MS: Karen, thanks for these great ideas! Mom Seriously readers, you can learn more of Karen's great parenting and organization strategies in her books: The Complete Guide to Getting and Staying Organized: *Manage Your Time *Eliminate Clutter and Experience Order *Keep Your Family First and
Homespun Memories for the Heart: More Than 200 Ideas to Make Unforgettable Moments. Be sure to visit Karen's blog and her FB page!

  

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For Wherever You Have Been, And Wherever He Is Taking You

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From time to time, my husband and I will surprise our children with an unexpected trip. We pack their bags behind closed doors. One of us instigates a diversion while the other sneaks the luggage into the back of the van. With Academy Award-winning nonchalance, we announce that we need to go somewhere. It’s usually not until we turn onto the Interstate that they begin to ask: “Hey, where are we going?”

Rich and I have surprised the kids with a visit to see their cousins who live in a neighboring state. One frosty winter weekend we drove a couple of hours away and stayed overnight in a hotel that had an indoor swimming pool. There are plenty of ways to surprise the kids closer to home, as well. Once the children thought they were going to the grocery store, and instead, we went to get fast food and see a movie. The element of surprise makes everything more fun!

On a recent outing, my nine-year-old realized we were navigating roads that he’d never before seen.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“You’ll see,” his dad smiled.

My son settled back happily into his seat and grinned. “Thanks, Dad,” he said, “for wherever you’re taking us.”

My children have come to the place where they realize that wherever Daddy is taking them, it will be a good thing. It doesn’t have to be revealed to them during the journey. They’ll understand the details once we arrive at our destination. Because of our proven track record, they can rest in the assurance that their parents have taken care of everything: pajamas, toothbrushes, even swimsuits. After all, it’s no surprise to us that the hotel has an indoor swimming pool--we’re the ones who planned the trip!

Thanksgiving beckons us to spend an extended weekend dwelling in thankfulness, providing the perfect opportunity for reflection. As I ponder my Christian journey this year, I have to question my own spirit of gratitude. Certainly, I’m thankful for the multiple blessings that the Lord has mercifully heaped upon my family and me. But can I continue to offer praises of thanksgiving for everywhere my Father took me? Or do I just thank Him for the places I wanted to go?

Do I thank Him for health but withhold praise for a two-week bout with pneumonia? Do I raise my hands high in gratitude for writing opportunities but keep my arms tightly crossed when I consider the number of articles that were rejected? Do I praise Him for spiritual victories yet at the same time fail to mention my appreciation for the inner struggles that nearly devastated me? Do I childishly reserve my standing ovation for the trips by the drive-through window and yawn at the bounty bought with seed, time, and harvest?

As I look back over the past year, I see some definite surprises between the on ramp of 2003 and the exit up ahead. Billboards promised cheap eats and rest stops, but there have been many delays due to construction. When my grandmother died earlier this year, I thought it was one trip for which I was prepared. My family had been expecting Mammaw’s death for years, even praying for it, asking God to take her home as she languished in a nursing home. Rather than breezing along in the fast lane, I found myself in the middle of a congested thoroughfare on which grief and guilt collided and traffic came to a standstill. As I give thanks this year, can I go beyond thanking the Lord for a godly grandmother to thanking Him for the things about her death that I cannot understand? Can I thank Him for the profound heartache that I experienced? Can I thank Him for the things about our relationship that can never be changed?

In everything, give thanks. Thank God for the bumps in the road. Thank Him when the map is unreadable. Thank Him for car trouble. After all, doesn’t your Heavenly Father have a proven track record? Settle back in your seat, child of God, and thank Him for wherever you have been--and for wherever He’s taking you.*

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*This article by Rebecca Ingram Powell was originally published in the November 2003 issue of ParentLife magazine (LifeWay Christian Resources)

The Emergency Room Reveals the Global Emergency of Lostness

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Many years ago, I was sitting in the emergency room holding my son David (then five years old). While playing with some friends, David had fallen and cut his face on a concrete wall. The bleeding was under control, but the cut would require stitches. On this particular day, there had been a major traffic collision nearby, so victims of the accident were being rushed in to the ER. Their needs were immediate as their lives hung in the balance. We had to wait several hours before we could see a doctor and get my little David stitched up.

The emergency room is a world of its own. It rotates on an axis that spins impartially between life and death. In the waiting area, I held David in my lap as the chairs around me filled up. The automatic doors opened continuously, admitting family and friends of the people involved in the traffic accident. Complete strangers had been brought together by disastrous circumstances. They now shared a common bond as tension, fear, and sorrow began to permeate the atmosphere. I sat in silent reverence of the tragedy as inwardly, I put David’s minor injury into perspective. I was not waiting for a verdict. I knew that David would be fine. The people around me, however, had no idea what lay ahead. With tears in their eyes and terror in their hearts, they hoped for the best.

Into this delicate environment swaggered a loud and arrogant drunk. He

Love Is A Feeling? Not Always

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One of the biggest lies in our culture today is this one: Love is a feeling. We'll be talking about this briefly at the Pure In Heart Conference on Saturday, and in our do-what-feels-right world, this particular deception is pretty hard to crack. After 22+ years of marriage, however, I have learned that while love the emotion can be a roller coaster ride, love the action will keep a relationship on track.

In truth, the picture of love that our kids see expressed in our marriages is the one that will reign as the standard for their lives. It's like a measuring stick. Every male-female relationship they see will

Moms and Porn? Time for a Heart Check (Part Two)

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Click on the button to view all my Porn and Purity articles!

My friend Ruthie worked as a bereavement nurse in the labor and delivery ward, in stressful situations on a daily basis. When her co-workers introduced her to a way of coping--fantasy fiction--she thought little of it. “It was just a book,” she says. However, the novels Ruthie’s friends recommended were filled with larger-than-life heroes and romantic sex scenes that offered her more than an escape. Her new pastime created a debilitating fantasy world with far-reaching effects on her spirit, her marriage, and her mothering.

“My life wasn’t like the ones in the books,” Ruthie says. “Every time I looked at my husband, I wanted him to be like the characters I read about.” Ruthie’s obsession with the novels continued even when her young son complained that she was so busy reading she never played with him anymore. Ruthie shrugged it off and went deeper into the make-believe world of perpetual happy endings. At work, she was constantly handed new books. “It’s so easy to get lost in the fantasy,” Ruthie shares. “We spent our free time talking about the characters as though they were real.”

A woman may not be home during the day to watch the imaginary and addictive world of soap operas, yet nightly, prime-time television delivers unrealistic, godless portrayals of life and love through fictitious dramas and surreal “reality” shows. The characters and situations are diametrically opposed to Christian living. Overexposure leads to desensitization, and it becomes easy to believe that entertaining ourselves in this way isn’t sin. The enemy deceives us, telling us what we watch and read isn’t hurting anybody. But Ruthie knows otherwise. Not only did her marriage and parenting suffer from her her preference for fantasy, she suffered personal ramifications as well. “I was so depressed,” she admits. “My life could never be as perfect as the ones in the books.”

It was five years before Ruthie become conscious of the connection between her disheartened attitude, her ho-hum marriage, and her disjointed relationship with her son. As she began to pursue Christ, Ruthie understood her preoccupation with romance novels stemmed from a desire for perfection--perfection in herself, her husband, and her home. She realizes now, “The only perfection is in Christ.”



QUICK TIPS FOR ESCAPING THE FANTASY TRAP:

• Get real with yourself. You are not the only one fighting this battle. Many women are tempted by sexy books, TV shows, and movies.
• Get real with other women. Commit to building relationships with a few women who are devoted to Christ. Share your weaknesses and be strengthened by the prayerful, emotional support women friends can provide.
• Seek real alternatives. There are plenty of Christian alternatives to romance novels, however, some Christian romances, like their secular counterparts, have macho (albeit godly LOL) heroes who are too good to be true. Try reading authors who write from an authentic faith perspective: Francine Rivers, Karen Kingsbury, or Dee Henderson.

Read More:
Moms and Porn? Time for a Heart Check (Part One)

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Let Go and Delegate!

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You can't do everything. And why would you want to?  Check out these tips for delegating a few of your household responsibilities!

Children can learn to pick up their toys, unload the dishwasher, and make their beds. It takes some time to teach them, but it is worth it. These household skills are equally important to their home education as the three “R’s.” And no, they won’t do a perfect job, but your praise and gratitude will go a long way in motivating them to continue helping you. Eventually they grow up, and they grow into their chores. Are you willing to teach them how to play their positions, or do you want to keep them on the bench?

Often, husbands want to help. Really, most men don’t mind helping: what bothers them is our criticism when they don’t do things the way we would. (Did you catch that? LOL) How often are you guilty of griping about your hubby's housekeeping technique, rather than just appreciating his effort and the heart behind it? ) Is there really only one way to load a dishwasher? Or one way to fold a load of towels? Let your spouse put his personal touch on a few things around the house.

Learn to say no. Try saying “no” the next time someone asks you to do something that you simply don’t have time to do, or that you don’t really want to do. Establish your priorities, and play your position. This is the only way to ensure that others have the opportunity to play theirs!

Ultimately, our families are dependent on one Person—but it’s not you, Mom! No, in fact, each family unit was created and established by God to revolve around the service and glorification of His Son. We are dependent upon Jesus, no matter what position we play! Yet, unbelievably, when I’m looking at my to-do list, my children’s practice schedules, the piles of laundry, and my sheer inadequacy when it comes to the mammoth task of mothering, I often still attempt to make the play. I may, in my pride and my need to control, begin to yell, “I got it!” What foolishness! I have only to catch a glimpse of my heavenly Father, who parents me daily. Immediately, I see that He can handle things more easily and effectively than I can, and my words revert to a heartfelt cry as I return to my position, calling, “You! You! You!”

What are you trying to control today?



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Moms and Porn? Time for a Heart Check (Part One)

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I don't want to be afraid to tackle the tough issues in the Mom Seriously series on Porn and Purity. In tackling topics like helping our sons avoid porn and counseling our daughters to dress modestly, I have to keep returning to what I think is the crux of authentic Christian parenting: setting a godly example.

For many moms, setting an example regarding these two particular issues--pornography and modesty--are no-brainers. They are not attracted to the lures of what most would consider to be porn (by a standard definition), and they are modest in their dress. But today, I want to offer up a heart check that may have you rethinking some of the decisions you make regarding your entertainment choices.

"There is a form of pornography that many women are involved in, and they don’t even realize it," says Dr. Tim Kimmel, author of the beloved Christian classic, Little House on the Freeway: Help for the Hurried Home, as well as one of my favorite titles, Raising Kids for True Greatness: Redefine Success for You and Your Child. "They would get so upset if their husband looked at Penthouse magazine, but they have no problem making sure that they stop in on Wysteria Lane every week and see how the 'desperate housewives' are doing."

According to Dr. Kimmel, the reason that shows like Desperate Housewives or Sex In The City (and the movies that followed the series) were watched religiously by women is because they play right into women's fantasies. "And it is fantasy, or pornography, even when it is not so much visual images of naked bodies, but it is playing into a story that isn't theirs," he explains. "And oh, you can't help but play the comparison game when it's done."

The Comparison Game. You know that one, don't you? I do. And I would say that we have all been guilty of playing it at some time or another. With guns blazing, it wreaks havoc on a contented spirit and healthy, Christ-centered relationships. Interestingly enough, it doesn't have to be something as crass as Desperate Housewives or a daily soap opera--even a Christian romance novel can invite women to cross the line into a fantasy world, inviting them to question all that God has given them in their husbands and homes.

What to do? Dr. Kimmel recommends this heart check when evaluating your current entertainment/media choices:

• After watching this show (or viewing this movie, visiting this site, reading this book) am I more excited about my role as a wife and mother, or less?
• Am I more committed to shining for the Lord in the kind of environment that I just saw portrayed, or less?
• Has this show caused me in any way to play the comparison game with people up close to me, like my husband?
• And if my husband is falling short in the comparison game after watching this show, how could this possibly be in the best interest of my marriage?

Authentic Christian parenting...no one ever said it would be easy. God's blessings on you today as you stay committed to mom seriously.

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