Mom's Tip of the Day #106

God puts us in families so we can learn to get along with different personalities. Encourage your children to delight in each other’s strengths, shore up each other’s weaknesses, and embrace each other’s differences.

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The Duggars on Sibling Rivalry vs. The Love Dynamic

(Comments from Jim Bob Duggar are taken from my 2007 interview with the Duggars for ParentLife magazine.)

"We’re trying to teach our children to love God with their whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love others and treat others like they would like to be loved and treated," says Jim Bob Duggar. There are a couple of ways the Duggars put this into practice.

It's Your Serve. "We try to get our children, each one in our family, to serve each other," Jim Bob shares. "When a child realizes that the world does not revolve around him, that we are in this world to actually serve others and serve God, that creates a whole new level of maturity."

A Love Dynamic. "Michelle and I never wanted our family to operate in an 'evil for evil' relationship. Instead, we wanted to create a whole new love dynamic at home, where everybody is trying to love each other and serve each other and invest in each other’s lives. That means we look out for each other. We love each other and serve each other, and it creates a wonderful place to live."

So what does this look like? On a daily basis, what is it really going to look like in MY home--in YOUR home? Fundamentally, I think it looks like self-discipline and self-sacrifice, don't you? Those are two weighty life lessons--but where better to learn them than in the home?

I will discipline myself to not respond in anger.
I will sacrifice my desires for yours.
I will put your needs ahead of my own.
And I will do it cheerfully--because in this I am bringing glory to God.

After all, those sibling relationships are precious ones, and the ones that last the longest. You have your siblings before you have a spouse. Your sibs usually live longer than your parents. It is a lifetime relationship. This is a point that I often stress at the Pure In Heart Conferences, when I'm talking with the 5th and 6th grade girls. They are usually astounded to hear that they can actually practice Christ-like attitudes with their siblings...right in their own homes!

All posts in this Sibling Rivalry series:

• Get a Clue When It Comes to Sibling Rivalry
• Diminish Sibling Rivalry When You Celebrate Differences
• Sibling Rivalry Calls for a Love Connection
• Sibling Rivalry vs. The Love Dynamic

 PLUS, CHECK OUT THE DUGGAR FAMILY'S FAVORITE BOOKS! CLICK HERE!

Don't miss any great parenting info: Subscribe to my daily email newsletter! Click HERE.

Sibling Rivalry Calls For A Love Connection

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar

(Today's post is the third in this series on Sibling Rivalry. Comments from Jim Bob Duggar are taken from my 2007 interview with the Duggars for ParentLife magazine.)

"People often wonder how we manage the dynamics of such a large family," notes Jim Bob Duggar. "Curious parents will often ask, We have two children, and they fight like cats and dogs. How do you do it with 17? But in their minds, they are picturing 17 children in one house fighting and bickering with each other. They are picturing total chaos, and it would be! However, that preconceived image is actually just the opposite of what happens in our home.

"God’s principles, put into practice, will work in every family:

• Being open to God’s revelation of truth through personal study of His Word and solid biblical teaching
• Confessing where we fall short, repenting, and turning away from our sin
• Making things right with those we have hurt, resolving the conflict, and putting away anger
• Asking for accountability from other Christians

"In our home, if an offense has been committed, we teach our children to go back and make things right. That always begins with an apology. That means more than just saying the word, “sorry.” We have them say, 'I was wrong for taking that toy away from you,' or 'I was wrong for hitting you. Will you please forgive me?' After a hug, they know the conflict is resolved. The Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. Take care of conflict as quickly as possible. This is vital to bringing peace and unity in the home. Our goal is for our children to become each other’s best friends, and they really have."

All posts in this Sibling Rivalry series:

• Get a Clue When It Comes to Sibling Rivalry
• Diminish Sibling Rivalry When You Celebrate Differences
• Sibling Rivalry Calls for a Love Connection
• Sibling Rivalry vs. The Love Dynamic

 PLUS, CHECK OUT THE DUGGAR FAMILY'S FAVORITE BOOKS! CLICK HERE!

Diminish Sibling Rivalry When You Celebrate Differences

Are you guilty of giving gifts to each sibling when it is only one child’s birthday? How about giving kids the same bedtimes? Or involving kids in the same activities? Dr. Kevin Leman says that sibling rivalry can be significantly diminished by ensuring that each child knows he holds a special, unique place in the family unit.

 

Celebrate differences. “What drives a kid away from sibling rivalry is allowing him to see that he is different, and embrace those differences,” he explains. It is okay to put into practice in your home that kids are treated differently. Age is a difference. Gender is a difference. Giftings and aptitudes are a difference.

“The state you live in will treat your kids differently,” notes Dr. Leman. “A 16-year-old gets to drive, a 14-year-old doesn’t. That’s life. And love is not diminished by this.”

 

Look for ways you can emphasize differences within your family. Where one is weak, another is strong. Even little things matter. At my house, the youngest has a knack for all things technological. He’s the one I call when I'm stuck, whether a computer freezes or I need to record a program on the DVR. Both my boys played baseball and basketball, but as they've gotten older, each has chosen to focus on the sport he was best suited for. God formed the family and populated it with people who are different. Celebrate that!

 

All posts in this Sibling Rivalry series:

• Get a Clue When It Comes to Sibling Rivalry
• Diminish Sibling Rivalry When You Celebrate Differences
• Sibling Rivalry Calls for a Love Connection
• Sibling Rivalry vs. The Love Dynamic

 

Get A Clue When It Comes To Sibling Rivalry

Dr. Kevin Leman
Photo Tyndale Publishers

“Most parents don’t have a clue when it comes to sibling rivalry,” says marriage and family expert Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday.  But how could parents not have a clue, when most of us have experienced sibling rivalry ourselves? And, in many ways, we still do whenever our birth family reconvenes.

 

“Well, they’ve experienced it,” Dr. Leman agrees, “but they don’t know how to deal with it because they make a critical, albeit faulty, assumption: ‘If you do for one child, you must do for the other.’ That kind of reasoning will get you into all kinds of trouble as a parent.”

 

When a new baby first enters the family, the older child views the new sibling as an exciting, often overstated, interruption of his life. The baby has nothing on him. After all, babies primarily sleep, poop, and cry. Then things begin to change. Soon the baby can do everything the older sib can do: walk, talk, get attention, and make people laugh.

 

"That’s where sibling rivalry begins,” explains Dr. Leman. “It all starts with that realization that, here is someone who could possibly take my place in this family.”

 

 

All posts in this Sibling Rivalry series:

• Get a Clue When It Comes to Sibling Rivalry
• Diminish Sibling Rivalry When You Celebrate Differences
• Sibling Rivalry Calls for a Love Connection
• Sibling Rivalry vs. The Love Dynamic